Yeah, it's fucking insane. I just found this online. I will NOT be working for any dispensary. What a crock of shit. Who the fuck writes this shit up?
THE BUDTENDER’S DIARY
By Shames O’Connor
Anyone who says working in a dispensary is living the dream, has obviously never tried getting badged by the Medical Marijuana Enforcement Division (MMED) in Colorado. Granted, us bud-tenders don’t usually get health insurance, or sick days, and starting salary is continually slumping towards minimum wage. So we’re not unaccustomed to falling through cracks.
But to comply with new state regulations by July 1st, all bud-tenders must be badged by the MMED. It means filling out an application that goes through every nook and cranny of life, looking for arrest history, missing payments to any federally funded or subsidized institution, identifying scars and marks, incomplete tax records, and more. Anything that might scream “Thug” or “Mob” to the watchdogs. But this means that
all employees in over 700 dispensaries must assemble or fix all debts, facts, and official documents by the end of June.
I set out early for Commerce City with an application completed the night before, hoping to beat the crowd. At 9:05 AM on a Wednesday morning, the MMED was the only part of Mile High Greyhound Park even remotely occupied. I entered the small lobby and joined 4 people already waiting. Immediately, another joined me in line. I signed my name on the list and sat down.
At 9:15, the receptionist called my name. We paged through the application together to look for any missing pieces. By 9:18, the number in the waiting room had grown to 15. Five more people entered by 9:30, bringing extra heat into what already felt like a sauna, all of them fumbling through their applications to make sure everything was in order.
A boisterous woman sprung into the lobby to call my name above the murmuring crowd, and asked, “Did you wash your hands?” I suddenly felt filthy with everyone watching.
“Uh, no?”
She directed me to the bathroom, and then we met in the back room.
“Do you think I’ll be done by 10:30?” I asked. “I have to open the store.”
“You’re Key Personnel, right?” she said. “It depends. There’s no way of knowing.”
“That’s why I got here right at 9.”
“We start processing at 8.”
Processing, they were, when I returned to the lobby. But not in order. Behind the desk was an out-of-control whirlwind of staff, paper, documents, and procedures, none of which assured me that my sensitive information was being kept in one place, much less securely. The overflow seating was packed, and standing room was quickly dwindling everywhere, as more visitors piled in, waiting unassisted. I could only imagine what it would be like at noon.
The receptionist haphazardly trained two moon-faced peons as they went along, from copies to screened documents. So incoherent was her gibberish, that everything seemed to collapse. It was clear they’d taught her the procedures just yesterday. She sighed violently, struggling to keep her cool. “See how crazy it gets in here?” she told the drone next to her, “And they usually have only
one person up here doing this.”
As I waited, I paged through my application copy, and noted everything irrational. I’m technically “Key Personnel,” so my form demanded more scrutiny than the average bud-tender. But only by a few pages.
So what do you have to reveal to the Department of Revenue, in order to “live the dream?”
Page 1: Scars/Tattoos + every address from the last 10 years.
Page 2: Essentially states the criteria upon which someone will be immediately denied: Even 1 controlled substance-related felony conviction. Any felony jail time within the last 5 years. Revocation of caregiver authority at any time. Under 21 years old. Spouse or child of MMED employee. And, of course, all law officers and authorities are prohibited from obtaining a license.
Page 3: Education history (with copies of all diplomas and certificates) + Employer History for last 10 years.
Page 4: Criminal history, with focus on drug crimes. Seems to be the barometer of the application.
Page 5 – 6: Arrest Disclosures. Thank God I didn’t have any arrests. “If you have been arrested in the past 10 years, given a summons, or been convicted of any non-narcotic offense, you must disclose this information,” including date and place of offense, arresting agency, original charge, and disposition narrative, with all copies of official documentation.
Page 7:
Invasive questions into financial history including delinquency in filing/paying taxes, student loans, child support, and more. They also request details on oversea assets and/or all incomes, including interests, dividends, and change under the couch cushions. Tax return copies for last two years must be attached.
