Fell Off The Wagon Today.....

[Neter Sentra]

Drank and am currently fucking hammered....where do I go from here. I know I'll lose it all, sit around alone and sulk. Fuck it. Crazy. Beeedooobeeedooo.

 

[Natural]

No-one is perfect. The hang-overs just aren't worth it.
Talented growers needed.

 

[chickenman]

It happens
Been there done that too many times to count
This will soon pass
For now try to sober up and proceed from there
When you feel better treat yourself to a nice meal try to get your mind off the binge
I have 16 years not a drop
Been thru hell
I survived you can as well
When you get PM privalges we need to chat

 

[chickenman]

After many episodes like your going thru feeling pity ful helpless wondering why I could not stop destroying jobs a marriage almost fatal car wreck could go on and on
But finally my health was in grave danger so once again tried my best
Here's what I found out and got me sober
I found out that I am worthy loved needed
I found someone and something to live for and that work needed to be done
My little acreage became my higher power no more meeting s needed
You have so much work to do
Full you heart with love for the earth and get busy setting up a little paradise
Soon you will discover who you are thru the connection you will find
I guarantee it will work
Takes time do not get ahead too much
For now rest do not beat yourself up
Tomorrow will come
Yesterday's gone
Live for today

 

[chickenman]

Here's my story. Been told before here many times..
For me posting it is awesome therapy as the battle never ends...



I am a recovering alcoholic,16 yrs sober. My drinking was killing me.

No matter what i did AA meetings 2 30 day treatments in Hosp., just could not quit drinking. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. During the holiday season I sobered up for a few weeks. Someone left a gift wrapped 6 pack of beer on my porch, that was all it took, off the wagon I went.

I drank over 20 to 30 beers that night and became so sick I puked up lots of blood, happened before, but this time I really scared me. I told my gal, she said enough's enough's your choice it was her or the suds. Once again I promised never again, went to AA, cried, prayed, white knuckled it out.

A few weeks later we took a drive our west kinda looking for properties. we turned off highway, up this mesa and the 1st for sale sign we saw, looked good. I went to door and the old man said get an agent. his wife invited me inside nothing special inside. I went out back and walked the property and was soon overwhelmed by the most beautiful place ive ever seen. I broke out in tears and had goosebumps, i knew this was where I belong and asked God to help me. I knew i would not be worthy of this if i continued to drink.

We did get the agent my gal loved it as well. I called my father for advise and a loan for earnest money to sign contract. He didn't go for it, cant blame him I was a mess and he knew it. My gal believed in me. she put her paid for house on market and within 24 hrs had a contract. We put earnest money on credit card and signed contract to move.

I called my dad and told him, he said if its in my heart we have his blessings good luck. I also asked him to be my best man at our wedding 6 months later. We moved all ready for the big day however my father had a stroke 1 week before and was in bad shape. I went to visit him he came around we talked hugged, I left him and he died 1 day before the big day.

We proceeded with our plans at Gala Gardens in Denver, I was a sober mess. During the ceremony the lady doing the vows asked for my fathers presents to show itself and at that moment a butterfly landed on my chest right on my heart. After more tears, hugs handshakes a thunderstorm roared thru briefly. His blessing.

I still get goosebumps and tears of joy here almost daily. Mj has helped as the safer alternative and Ive replaced one drug for another but there no misery, doubt, fear, hopelessness, life so so good and iam so thankful for my loving wife, my garden chickens, goats, health, my blessings are endless.

So don't be afraid to follow and listen to your heart and do what you think is right no matter how impossible it may seem miracles do happen it happened to me it can happen to you Thanks all for letting me share this. it s does my just as much good as i hope it does you

Peace CM

 

[gravekat303]

Chicken is the man to talk to about this if his crazy ass can over come so can you

 

[Neter Sentra]

I love you chickenman...thank you. I'm struggling tonight with what to do. I've kinda sobered up a tad. I've had pancreatitis twice since coming home I've had two extended stays one in a state hospital which was worse than war and one even longer in a beautiful but colorful institution in New England. I'm not sure where my road will lead.....I often feel excited about a stay in a hospital again just to let my hair down and let someone else worry. But it always leads to me leaving and fucking every person I meet as I ween off the psych mess, or worse isolation and self abuse wether drinking or other means. I'm not sure what to do. I get labeled a dyke where I live cause I'm a single female and farm, or I get labeled weird which I can kinda dig, but not many guys where I'm at want weird, they want loyal and baby bearing. I almost nightly drift off dreaming of living deep in the Rockies digging a hole and climbing in covering myself with leafs and waiting for the sun.....

 

[Neter Sentra]

This is the strangest life I've ever known :D

 

[Neter Sentra]

 

[Neter Sentra]

 

[Neter Sentra]

 

[Neter Sentra]

 

[Neter Sentra]

No matter where I go I'm still the same me, burn the same tree, jus what the game need!

 

[Neter Sentra]

 

[Cali clouds]

I wish you the best of luck through your struggles. tomorrow is sunday. Alot of people are not into god. Whether you have faith or not, a lil church never hurt anyone. God really does amazing things.
I am caught up in the middle of my brother/ friend/ business partners addiction problem. I have been there for him since day 1. Sober, he is the best person you could ask for. And then there is the other side. It is horrible, and I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Tonight was a major tipping point. He went off the radar after he was supposed to deliver a few units. His wife called me out of her mind. I thought he got robbed. We are never supposed to go hustle by ourselves. Three hours later he calls, basically tells me to fuck off and can't even talk he was so wasted and high on blow. Three more hours later he got home. I went to make some sense of everything and find the coin or smoke, whatever he had left. That turned into a fight. Now he has a busted open face, I found some cash and then had to go on a journey to find his car and the rest of our stash. I found his keys with his druggie friends, then drove across town to get the car. A hour later I found the car with a p still inside. Found his wallet in his car with a small bag of blow. Now i have my wife and kids at home, mad at me, driving around at 11 at night with a few G's in my pocket, a p, and now a small bag of blow with someone else's blood on my clothes. I thought I was getting pulled over on the way back and my heart sunk. Cop wound up just passing me but it really made me think. This guy is going to sink my ship and I have never even done a drug in my life other then weed.
There is really no moral to my story and unfortunately there is no positive ending yet. His wife wants to leave him and if he wasn't so tied up with my operation I would do the same thing. Once again I don't know what to do.
To me, if I new my actions were destroying everyone and everything around me I would hopefully wake up. I know that it is easier said then done. I just want life to be normal. Our childhood was fucked due to my parents addiction problems, and now he is perpetuating the same lifestyle onto his child.
I wish everyone with a addiction problem could feel the pain that they put on there family. I am not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone, just venting my feelings from a very long night.
I believe that everyone is put on this earth for one reason or another. Those reasons are definitely not to self destruct yourself from a bottle or a bag of blow. If you figure out what you are supposed to be doing here then you immerse yourself in that cause and you will no longer have time to worry about your next drink.
I'm sure my rant has not helped solve anyone's problems. I just got home and this was the first post I seen after all this bullshit. I thought I could at least share my story of tonight so anyone else out there knows they are not the only ones caught in a tough place. I hope my bro can find his way reel quick. I hope anyone else out there can choose to end the pain and realize this world has alot of positive opportunity waiting for you. Just clear your head and look around. it is never to late. You can never give up. If you give up that makes your time here completely pointless. That is not why we are here. Good luck and please look forward. This world is supposed to be a amazing place and we are blessed with the opportunity to spend a small amount of time here.

 

[chickenman]

December 20, 2001..

 

[chickenman]

Clear your mind and remember...

Keep it simple..
Joe and I had the same sober time..
We both found cannabis to be a life saver..
Joe's up there waiting for a hug and a love ya man..
Love yourself first and foremost, then others can love you..
in time you will be amazed, just for today for go the first sip..
The simple things, happiness and joy in life...

 

[chickenman]

I wish you the best of luck through your struggles. tomorrow is sunday. Alot of people are not into god. Whether you have faith or not, a lil church never hurt anyone. God really does amazing things.
I am caught up in the middle of my brother/ friend/ business partners addiction problem. I have been there for him since day 1. Sober, he is the best person you could ask for. And then there is the other side. It is horrible, and I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Tonight was a major tipping point. He went off the radar after he was supposed to deliver a few units. His wife called me out of her mind. I thought he got robbed. We are never supposed to go hustle by ourselves. Three hours later he calls, basically tells me to fuck off and can't even talk he was so wasted and high on blow. Three more hours later he got home. I went to make some sense of everything and find the coin or smoke, whatever he had left. That turned into a fight. Now he has a busted open face, I found some cash and then had to go on a journey to find his car and the rest of our stash. I found his keys with his druggie friends, then drove across town to get the car. A hour later I found the car with a p still inside. Found his wallet in his car with a small bag of blow. Now i have my wife and kids at home, mad at me, driving around at 11 at night with a few G's in my pocket, a p, and now a small bag of blow with someone else's blood on my clothes. I thought I was getting pulled over on the way back and my heart sunk. Cop wound up just passing me but it really made me think. This guy is going to sink my ship and I have never even done a drug in my life other then weed.
There is really no moral to my story and unfortunately there is no positive ending yet. His wife wants to leave him and if he wasn't so tied up with my operation I would do the same thing. Once again I don't know what to do.
To me, if I new my actions were destroying everyone and everything around me I would hopefully wake up. I know that it is easier said then done. I just want life to be normal. Our childhood was fucked due to my parents addiction problems, and now he is perpetuating the same lifestyle onto his child.
I wish everyone with a addiction problem could feel the pain that they put on there family. I am not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone, just venting my feelings from a very long night.
I believe that everyone is put on this earth for one reason or another. Those reasons are definitely not to self destruct yourself from a bottle or a bag of blow. If you figure out what you are supposed to be doing here then you immerse yourself in that cause and you will no longer have time to worry about your next drink.
I'm sure my rant has not helped solve anyone's problems. I just got home and this was the first post I seen after all this bullshit. I thought I could at least share my story of tonight so anyone else out there knows they are not the only ones caught in a tough place. I hope my bro can find his way reel quick. I hope anyone else out there can choose to end the pain and realize this world has alot of positive opportunity waiting for you. Just clear your head and look around. it is never to late. You can never give up. If you give up that makes your time here completely pointless. That is not why we are here. Good luck and please look forward. This world is supposed to be a amazing place and we are blessed with the opportunity to spend a small amount of time here.

Feels good to get it out, we need to support each other..

 

[chickenman]

For 45 years The Sons have been my guiding light..
Saved My life..

I know that you can feel abused
And I know the feeling that there ain’t no use
When something is doing you under
Don’t you know it makes you wonder
Why do I stay here?
Can I find my way here?

You may find it’s just a matter of faith that’s lost its way
Take some time to reaffirm the feeling that’s gone astray
And baby there’ll be sunny weather
If we get our heads together
Who cares where the fault lies
Be free from the false ties

The feeling has got to be there to have the inspiration
How can you get anywhere out of desperation?
Your strength is in your smile and not your frustration
If we try for a while there’ll be no hesitation

I know there’s a much better way to feel
Even though some of the desires begin to seem so real
But they won’t be here forever
If we try to love each other
I’m gonna stay here
Till I see my way clear

Do you remember all the good times that you thought you used to have
While you were riding wildly in your car?
But you didn’t dig it all that much, did you really then?
‘Cause it had nothin’ much to do with what you are
You can’t suppress what you are any more
You got to carry yourself through the door
You got to see yourself, be yourself, freedom

Can you honestly evaluate the story from within
Without part of you blocking the way?
If there never is no way but up you’re starting to feel
When where you are at is just to face another day
You can’t suppress what you are any more
You got to carry yourself through the door
You got to see yourself, be yourself, freedom

Freedom, freedom

 

[chickenman]

one more..