Daily humor thread!

420alldaze · Feb 15, 2012

lmao.. need some hookers like that over here....too funny. whats up brother? you home yet? 42o

KOTTENMOUTHKING said:
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

~KMK~

E.C.U.G · Feb 15, 2012

420alldaze said:
lmao.. need some hookers like that over here....too funny. whats up brother? you home yet? 42o

Not Quite yet! i should be rolling in sunday nite late late.

~KMK~

squiggly · Feb 16, 2012

It appears the stereotype ban has been lifted--I'm Scottish if anyone feels like getting back at me :)

Disclaimer -- no harm intended!

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Father, I need fifty dollars."

The father quickly replies, "Forty dollars!!!....What do you need thirty dollars for?!?!"

About a million times funnier coming from the Jewish comic who wrote the joke :)

Zonkerly · Feb 16, 2012

Holy Prostitutes

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in KENTUCKY when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ..'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

E.C.U.G · Feb 16, 2012

Zonkerly said:
Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in KENTUCKY when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ..'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

LMAO good one

E.C.U.G · Feb 16, 2012

squiggly said:
It appears the stereotype ban has been lifted--I'm Scottish if anyone feels like getting back at me :)

Disclaimer -- no harm intended!

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Father, I need fifty dollars."

The father quickly replies, "Forty dollars!!!....What do you need thirty dollars for?!?!"

About a million times funnier coming from the Jewish comic who wrote the joke :)

LOL it was funny just how you told it bro.

~KMK~

Donnybrook · Feb 16, 2012

TrichomeThunder · Feb 16, 2012

Three applicants are at the CIA office two men and a women waiting to take the final test to get in. The applicants are told their significant other is in the back room and they must kill them with a pistol that they are given. The two male apllicants both come back in tears unable to go through with it. When the woman goes in mutiple shots are heard and then screams and shouts, She comes out and says" Who the hell put blanks in the gun I had to kill that son of a bitch with a chair".

420alldaze · Feb 17, 2012

What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?

Double jointed.:cool0019:

Zonkerly · Feb 17, 2012

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod

fishwhistle · Feb 17, 2012

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to

Cort · Feb 18, 2012

What do a woman and a cast iron skillet have in common ?

No matter how much meat you shove in there, there's always room for the gravy

2tall · Feb 18, 2012

[YOUTUBE]FKb3qRljGBc[/YOUTUBE]

420alldaze · Feb 19, 2012

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
A. Come in eight flavors.

Cort · Feb 19, 2012

What do you call a Mexican Midget?

A paragraph... he is too short to be an essay.

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer??

Prostitute can wash the crack and sell it again.

Whats invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

Salad shooter

420alldaze · Mar 24, 2012

lmao too funny

GanjaGardener · Mar 26, 2012

Salad shooter?!! LMFAO

coloradochem · Mar 30, 2012

420alldaze · Mar 30, 2012

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

outwest · Mar 30, 2012

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no reproductive organs?

Still, no fucking eye deer.

outwest

Daily humor thread!

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Daily humor thread!

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