I'm finding that albeit my bereavement classes have helped me release some of the anguish there are these unforeseen 'triggers" that arise that I'm still choking to get passed. The last I was down Steve and I sipped beers and watched Toto Live on DVR.

Tonight at work "Hold the Line" came over the radio and I had to pull off the road and stop for a minute. I couldn't see through my tears to drive. This is Hell. Our human experience in the face of significant loss is just a Hell.

I can tell you, it sears until it becomes the bittersweet. The memories the sweet and loss the bitter part.
We all have significant loss in our destiny, intensely personal (as our bodies somehow fail us) and outside ourselves as we lose those who had meaning in our lives. I think in that way, indeed we are born only to lose. However my hope is at some point you will be able to recall in a more gentle fashion. I know I shed many private tears when I thought I was well over the loss. Actually remembering who they were and what they would have said about it seemed to always clear the clouds for me. I hope it can be the same for you.

I am really sorry to hear the loss of your friend @UgrewWHAT. Kind of a loss for words however.

I didn't mean to drop such a dark cloud on the Lounge with my experience. If I could I think I'd even ask that this thread be removed.

We all handle loss within our own custom taylored ways. I only wrote about it because although death isn't cannabis related the education that I have inherited having known this man certainly is.

Bless you all for being my outlet. This has been a bitch of an experience.

It's late and I am tired. I am a Manager now and I spend most of my life married to this restaurant.
I do not know if I am writing a ghost or a friend or a shadow or the Universe.

I didn't realize how much I included you in my life. I didn't realize how much I would miss your two cents telling me my decision making is shit. I didn't realize that with every grow that I do YOU are in it.

You showed me that pistol and believe me I understand. I saw that glimmer in your eye. I didn't realize it at the time but I get it now.

It's been hard not being able to tell you what I am seeing or feeling or thinking but that's just how it is.

I am making something of my life today. At least I think I am.

You have always been such a profound influence in my life and now you are GONE.

Wherever you may be my friend... I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here... but you're not.


May the wind always be to your back
May the sun always be to your face
And may the winds of destiny fly your soul to the stars Steve...

RIP