@FourthCity and everyone
guys i think i may be to burned out to grow hydro? seems like i'm always forgetting something or have a checklist of things to well check. things to buy, upgrade or replace. pretty sure i killed one yesterday, but yesterday was the mother of all shit sandwiches, before and yet to come... so i'm not surprised really and i do know what i did wrong at multiple steps along the way. oddly at times i would look it at and think, meh kill the bitch, as it was poorly cropped and shaped etc. looked more like great cuts... so now i'm eye fuckng these timber lights on build a soil and man the living soil trip might be the ticket for a burned out stoner that loses his todo list often. other than getting all the soil in the crib and a few changes i'm more than happy to make i can see no reason not to put up a raised living soil bed on one side of my room. i have GSC clone going now in sub irrigation or duponics bucket set up now and she is thriving, even after suffering a vicious unprovoked attack by 3 chins we shall name. so a living soil sub irrigation setup is also on the table. man did i mention what a fucked up day i had yesterday? fucking people in miSSouri are a certain breed of stupid at times... then again most humans are or can be on some level, even me. but to be cruel along with stupid is something we should be selectively breeding out of our race. not applauding it when we see it, life is not a dirt track race... fuck... more than that i'm upset i allowed myself to get outside myself. or simply put i forgot to never take anything personal... my wife raised me and my boys that it is "better to be kind than right". generally i have no trouble being either or both when the time calls for it. but i hate mean ppl and would enjoy killing the bad ones even more... by no means am i a tough guy or a badass not at all, but i do know them. no me i'm just comfortable with violence in the moment. afterwards i always hate myself and my actions. the unfairness of what i did to the other person, the cops, the charges, the doctors, more meds, more tests, more meds, its a fucked up cycle. and at my age to still allow myself to be triggered by some shit talking KB troll really fucks with me... i know i have issues all well documented, but if i got off on hurting peoples feelings just to do it. i think i would check the fuck out. as my dad said before he punched me in the mouth at 16, "you talk like someone who's never been smacked in the mouth". i never spoke that way to any man i haven't wanted to fight since. violence really is the ultimate authority and hiding is the true act of a coward. can't really say it any plainer. every swinging dick in the state now has some bullshit reason to get high? i'm like wtf i've treated this plant like it was legal my whole life!! and well according to that list, i have a baker's dozen of conditions that meet the standards? the exams are a fcuking money grab joke proving to me what i have always thought, people just wanna get high and others just wanna make money. no one really gives a fuck about illness, the planet, the plant, etc etc and so forth and so on. i think my point here is, if you are just a pot head that's fine, but don't actually compare your made up anxiety about light switches or some such made up bullshit you and the doctor cooked up. those fucking papers were filled out for the people when i got my card, i shit you not!! i said fuck you !! i have real reasons along with that one you have listed, but you, you doctor are going to use this one on my paper or i will take my money and go home after i hold up this line of deadbeat losers for another 5 minutes which in drug math is like a week? she fixed it right quick. but it shows no one really cares... it is all BS
so you guys are my total social media now!!! hahaha bet you guys are fucking trilled and if you have read this far, well kudos to you and i owe you a number if we ever meet inn lue of payment for this session. i went to talk therapy for 2 years and was doing great. then my doctor retired, i haven't been back. it was a lot of heavy lifting and work i just can't see me doing again so yet another VA doctor can retire or move on to greener pastures, funny story, i went to a PTS yoga class once. it was great by the way, yoga nidra was the practice. anyway out of 10-12 people i was the only guy there that had been down range.. fuck another head scratcher i could never wrap my mind around. no knock on em you know, fine men i'm sure who served with honor. just not what i expected. nine months down range hardly makes one a harden war vet in my book? at the end of the day i lack conflict resolution. at a certain point once i feel attack or threaten maybe bullied is the right word or i see someone just being a dick! my go to-is to offer em a go with em ya know? as they say "it's not you its me" . in this case it really is and i know that then to fuck up and ruin a good day with nonsense etc neglected my garden duty you name it. a fucking day later and all i really wanna do is curb stomp that MF and send his mom pics while i skull fuck his toothless dick hole. can't get high when i'm this way, like the shit is broke, wax check, 3 different strains, check, klonopin check, gabapentin check , divalproex check, escitalopram check check, hindu lord shiva chants check, still wanna kill a mother fucker? you bet i do !!!! remorse later meh i can carry it!! haha i had apologize at one point for my behavior, and made the mistake of sayin something like yeah sorry for my outburst i'm a vet with some issues. it gets spun that i'm a remf that is playing the vet card for sympathy... this in a state where every asshole that has ever smoked a joint now has a anxiety disorder because they want to buy overpriced smoke at a store! and pay tax!!! damm don't i pay enough tax when i buy drugs without the state sticking their hand out for more please that kid? so you now have a serious medical condition if your files on record forever my you so that you can buy 80-100 1/8's from a emo kid ? wtf and i'm the one on meds? i'm big lou and i'm like you i'm on meds too... holy shit see i'm of the mindset that pot does not do much of anything medically outside of a few rare cases here and there. i smoke like a chimney and it does nothing for my host of issues that qualify me for a medical card with perhaps the exception of my UC and skin cancer. i'm on the fence with the UC it mainly helps with the paina nd cramping etc something to do if i get stuck in there for a long period. and i have no clue why but if i rub RSO on my head where i skin cancer. the little bumps will dry up and flake off after a few days. they also grow right back!!!! so for me and only "ME" i smoke now for the same reason i did when i was 15. i like being high plain and simple. i have taken a few breaks over the years, mainly while i was in the service of course and then a few years back before the UC got me and whatever the gulf war illness BS is? i think uncle sammy poisoned a bunch of us on advance teams that were active along the FLOT. i hold no hard feelings, his intentions were good and who could have predicted those drugs shutting down immune systems decades later. but i started back only to help me sleep and relax some. not due to it's magic abilities these people are selling here in my state, it is plain foolish. kind of cool watching squares make money off something i have loved my entire life and asshats make up medical conditions. like a slap on both cheeks if you ask me.
sorry this got so long and i'm still typing, bet this is the most i have written since my last suicide note. i guess i'm mad? like fuck!! you are pretending to have issues i would kill to rid myself of just so you can get high? wtf is wrong with humans? they would fuck themselves in their own asses if they could. thanks for reading along and shit and thousand apologies to anyone i may have offend with this post. or if the mods wanna bury this garbage thats fine too. i can't say why i'm even posting this dribble/ y'all be safe today and love your people go breath on one of your friends you haven't seen in a minute. i dunno man do anything but be mean or unhappy ! yesterday i was mean then unhappy and back and forth, today i'm just unhappy with myself and daunted by the amount of work i still have to do on myself.
OM NAMAH SHIVYA
OG