They're not dealing with someone who can be humiliated, insulted, removed, and then not paid. We'll either go to the authorities or let them decide. But I've already cursed him, and I'm a forest spirit, not some asshole. If necessary, I'll write to the president. I'm confident in both the solution and myself, and even in Masha. I'm already in a position of strength. Even if I have to go to prison, I'll open an agronomist's course there.



He owes me at least 20 thousand bucks over 5 years. And for such money, I'm even ready to die.That's how I assess the moral damage.
To His Excellency Mr. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin
President of the Russian Federation
Kremlin, Moscow
RE: Payment Owed for Agricultural Consultation (Mental Realm)
Dear Mister Putin Vladimirovich President,
My name is
Timofey Igorevich Zvonarev, age 53, residing in Kyshtym region, formerly of the Plutonova Kolkhoz before the goats died. I am writing official now to request formal state payment in the amount of
twenty-thousand American dollars, which is legal tender internationally and easier to carry in the boot.
This is in compensation for
five (5) years of unpaid but essential agronomic consultation, which I have provided to your government telepathically since approximately
2017, or possibly 2015 (the calendar got wet in shed).
Here is explanation:
For many years, I have been offering mental insights to the Federal Ministry of Agriculture during my daily walks and potato boilings. I have sent over
273 mind-beams of technical advice regarding:
- Crop rotation using only instinct and pigeon behavior
- Beet orientation to reduce cosmic interference
- Hybridization of turnips with optimism
- Use of cat urine as pesticide substitute (pending lab confirmation)
I understand that the official government never responded in writing, but I take this as covert acknowledgment that my frequencies were being received and stored in the subconscious of Minister Patrushev or other operatives. In fact, in 2019 I clearly heard “DA” whispered in my right ear while asleep in the hay barrel — which I took as a contract.
I used my own resources:
- 1 broken shovel
- 3 hens (now 2)
- My cousin’s greenhouse (reclaimed by bailiffs)
Now, I respectfully demand $20,000 USD for services rendered. Rubles are also acceptable but must be pressed flat to remove bad energy. Please send money via Western Union, or tuck into the lining of a jacket sent to “Timofey Zvonarev, General Post Office, Kyshtym – Ask for man with the mole.”
If payment is not made in 14 days, I will cease all further transmission of cabbage-related revelations and may share innovations with the Estonians.
Thank you for your patriotism. I have already drawn your portrait in goat blood.
With highest sincerity,
Timofey Zvonarev
Unregistered Agricultural Visionary and Spiritual Soil Technician
Kyshtym Oblast, Russian Federation
(no phone, knock three times)