current season

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homework may b late, today
dozer ate it

gonna b needin that trail, lord

help skol recover fully please

 

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tears for skol

silence

 

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you and thcfarmer have graciously allowed me to do that, here. now.

 

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breadcrumbs

i like multiple titles as u can c as i write

coffee's ready is highly appropriate

what could mean more

prisoners of guilt

 

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i heard this my whole life and perhaps feared it running to hyde and work neck down living my life in a rierview mirror but a mirror nevertheless ummm... starting with my first newspaper article, in i dunno third ish grade and um it was about someone so dear to me and my mother who is now dead... not the momz... see the guarded separation there breadcrumbs n pieces made beatiful. perhaps it's y i love to fingerprints history... let it pass through my hands not holding onto it forever. um... ummm i dunno but ive never met so many self destructive beautiful people who make questionable chorices n hurricanes all at once so i actually as i have always enjoyed storytellers ... ummm to listen to each vfw member share their soul and they're all broken things put back together into one thing only beautiful that um to just listen n still my mind one thing... n retell their stories as all of u r so dear to him um um... and write and retell their stories to share their stories to the world um to share their souls before we lose them... um.. dear to him... um.. nm i forget.



actually, it was technically, kindergarten

 

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ha and hyde is teasing me because 4x4.

cyclical

one circle

i was rocking back n my chair, with the sharpies I'd fought so hard for and been told at least twice not to do it... imprisoned for robbing my family... twice... ruled by guilt... um... um... i hurt my mother. one of the strippers I'd been with that night... another had left, already. she was a returned favor for a stranger and known friend of a friend. ummm... the price of a jailhouse, pillow, actually, and with my supportive, still... mother's, $4.95. i was sitting in a Denny's, at 3a.m., with the original friend and um hb skinhead, rusty, had just shot a "nigger". it was the first time i had smelled atomized, fe, in the stilled, ocean air. fracture.

um... i was 15. the momz, being a peace officer, had no other choice, but to kick me out.i lived here n there n mostly under my girlfriend's bed, for 3 years. 2 abortions.
fractures 2 & 3.

also at that age, i had my first love, lisa... she worked in a beach shack. it was my dream. the momz had purchased a very expensive, sea and sea, motormarine II and i thought i was a surfing photographer, living on river n 50th ish.

i have to close some of these doors because I'm already forgetting, hence the difficulty, in diesel's letter.

um... underbed girl - i was foolin with her, when the lovely dancer um... ummm... thought she was home n climbed into bed naked with the momz. stomp stomp stomp... what the fuck is going on in this house... it's Thanksgiving weekend... i coked up my brother, or something... um... um... i was foolin around with sandi. ummm... ummm... get the fuck out of my house.
fracture

i know it broke my mom's heart just to consider the f word. i think i fractured her.

i have to stop now. i need just one thing.

thank you, fellas.

 

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my 13year old babysitter molested me. i was 6. she was black. we were poor. the uncle we lived with... tried to molest me, in 6th grade. my mother took his side. fracture. the babysitter was my best friends sister. not many know this. my brother was sleeping as he is now a Christian. i struggle with this. there is nothing to forgive. i need to

STOP

in need to goosfraba

 

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the love boat was on in the background. my uncle subscribed to ontv soon after. we were poor. the neighbors had select tv. the looker geoloactes me for the gods.

 

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my whole life has been a metaphor of karmic humor and history is cyclical is it not

 

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bathing in darkness was just good common sense: practice
i hated baseball

 

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and in living with my uncle, more than once

i knew a bully/hyde, when i saw one; living under fear and intimidation

 

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symbolism and metaphors haunt me

i see value in diesel's background but i know how to case a joint n price your hundred troy ounce bars. yet diesel is a good man. he offered me treasure when he saw my life caving in around me and i see the beauty in his heart that he's a good father beauty in his background and life has taught him, hard lessons and a knowledge of who he is, all because the common cold, made him verically challenged. put yourself in someone else's lifted shoes. diesel showed me his heart, long ago. i wish i could look the man in his friendly eyes and shake his hand; perhaps give him a hug.

um... i forget what i was thinking but words, at the right time can mean more than anything.

 

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i will not have a veteran on his, or her knees (female vets 60% ptsd sufferers. use 55mil a yr... on its treatment, of 600mil). ever met one? think they'd tell u they weren't strong enough? that they need help? we trained out children not to... to b independent and self sufficient, before we put them in life's way. when the kid didn't call, at Christmas and my response was, "why would he"? fracture, but it meant i did a good job. ummm... fracture. quad meanings exponential thoughts n terps 4+4... my whole life has been full of signs n metaphores n fractures. like coffees ready.

 

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a life is a book, written backwards and it all starts with a lingling. if we read, as other cultures do and pov... it actually reads better, in a rearview mirror as it all makes sense. breadcrumbs...
I'm listening to a woman sing i need u i need u i need u right now it's all in my head and how is god not speaking through this woman. we are all tools. we serve a purpose, workin in concert and we don't always know why... but we are all broken pieces, working together, to make one beautiful thing and when u stand back and read in a rearview mirror, it all makes more sense.
i need gods' path, today... and i will find it, i can assure u. always on my worst days. 4+4... and it all has meaning. different meanings for different pieces, of our lives. each day, we get a little peace. and clearly, diesel, is little and yet he knows it comes from the heart as i know him to be a giant of a man... my eclipse, who's soul, blackens out the entire sun... Stallone flick... breadcrumbs

i was a teamster trucker... feacture... big fracture... metaphores and life, in a rearview mirror... owned by darkness and guilt.

 

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i saw this, in a profound movie and i forgot which... o what was i sayin... shyt!!! um... oh... something like love is when someone knows the worst things about you and it's still okay. try leading with it... then, you'll know who they are. don't waste life u can't get back.

 

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if i had woken up at 50, in as much pain as i was in... there was to b no 50 &1.
i bet my families future on a person. life metaphors. and it paid off... i owe rick Simpson's selflessness and kevin spacey, my life... that's... i stopped counting. i owe many lives. ummm... and now i need to help the people i love. return life favors. i need to save my lovely g's life.

 

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life as a house
beautiful movie
beautiful souls
my life is a metaphor.
I'm preparing to sell my home, to repay mr Simpson and do my part to help a dying town of beautiful veterans because i could not serve my country, due to shaming my family. this is how we do this. broken pieces to make something beautiful. tio make one thing right. to save just one.

 

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and i paid doug ostrand alot of miney after 9/11... to erase not the memory, or guilt, but the record and he ripped me off... hung up on me... give me an impossible task, ltr and i will find a way. my friend is worried she'll lose her home.
these children risked their lives for strangers and we pay them $800ish a month and hide these national treasure... away, like antisocialists... not wounded warriors.

 

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i need to clear my mind

 

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yes. i will succeed because i am stronger than before.

"when i was a child"... and rocked back in that chair... i fell and slit my wrist. it was practice. i know i never want that. and i rose and that's the momz. a metaphor. and just as sweet. time to "put away childish things".