How not to grow dope by Al B. Fuct

[MediMary]

1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. and so on...

Had to share this with my farmers, way funny!!

 

[MediMary]

LilMiss gave me a recommendation on the *How not to grow dope list* and I added a couple of my own as well. LOL


***How not to grow dope!***
*Decide while stoned to become a weed baron

*Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights

*Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up

*Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked


*4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
*All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
*Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up

*Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds

*Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency

*9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!

*Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
*All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die

*I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)

*Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)

*Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'

*Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough

*Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it

*Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in

*No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER

*Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator

*Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium

*Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one

*One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge

*Gave up tryin to be a weed baron

*Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car that will run on leftover Mountain Dew

*Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew


*Label self master grower on numerous sites even though I have only 6 months experience ~everyone will love me.*(Click here 4 the master grower thread:))

*use the law of attraction to attract master grower skills as learned on "The Secret"

*Spend 100,000$ on lights point half of them directly on floor, fucking ace!

*Ignore all advice from non master growers!

*End up getting Powdery Mildew ~ scrapped all my plants

*Do interview on local news describing myself as master grower

*Raided 5 hours later

*Found out state law in not admissible in court, got sentenced to federal prison.

*Dropped the soap in the shower.

 

[MediMary]

Anyone else have anything to contribute?:D

 

[Jsän]

maybe but i am still laughing over

"One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge"

 

[convex]

* Gave up on the Mountain Dew fueled car - plugs got all sticky - & bubbles out the tail pipe
* Still have 850 tins of Mountain Dew - fill bathtub with the pop and grow hydro style - gonna grow me some lemony tasting weed ;)

 

[Papa]

too bad that blacklight grow diary got deleted last year, you could have linked to it also.

lol

 

[420king-MASSES]

Pissed on 147 seedlings [extra nitrogen] they all died and decided to start a "cannablog"//made a bio tea from the shit in my toilet and wrote it up in my ''cannablog''//talk shit get banned from the farm and write about it in my "cannablog"///insist on being a master grower on the lil kids canna sites get accolades and happily post it up on my ''cannablog''// after being banned from the farm being able to bring farmers together to still laugh and joke about a tool who is the one and only ''cannablog''

another life lesson to would be growers is---- dont be a cannablog

 

[MediMary]

:D:D
funny stuff masses:D:D

 

[motherlode]

pose as a woman online so people dont talk smack about your grow

 

[Seamaiden]

pose as a woman online so people dont talk smack about your grow

Fuckin' ACE!

 

[MediMary]

Fucking Ace!~~ Found some more Al. B. Fuct.

*How Not to Grow Dope*

1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Told all my friends I was gonna be a weed baron. Doubled my number of friends in 20 minutes, now have 2.
3. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
4. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
5. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
6. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
7. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
8. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
9. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
10. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
11. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
12. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
13. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
14. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
15. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
16. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
17. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
18. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
19. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
20. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
21. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
22. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
23. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
24. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
25. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
26. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
27. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
28. Got high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine poisoning from too many Mountain Dews
29. Mountain Dew powered car thing didn't work out, went back to read pot message board, figured I might be a w33d b4R0n yet
30. Read on pot board about growing plants under blue & red LEDs in pure molasses, figured this is the way of the future
31. Stole 50 LED brake lights for the red ones and stole a few mobile phones for the blue ones
32. Planted 1272 seeds in Miracle Gro soil with a couple bags of Osmocote and some 10-50-10 orchid ferts tossed in to make sure nothin starves
33. 17 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
34. Figured the plants wasnt carbo-loading enuff, so put a kilo of cooked spaghetti on the plants
35. Spaghetti looked naked, added bolognaise sauce
36. 2 weeks pass before the plants work out that there's any light comin from the LEDs
37. Phones hung around the seedlings keep ringin in the middle of the night, fucken annoying
38. Plants get stretchy, fall over and die again
39. Mould seems to like the molasses, decided to become a m0uld b4R0n instead
40. Accidentally got some mould up my nose, turned out to be 'magic' mould, kinda sykadelic and shroomy
41. Tripped for 3 days, watched my fridge turn into a white whale which called himself Kelvinator the Magnifacent and drank up all my bongwater
42. Came down long enough to build a hydroponic magic mould grow op
43. Got all me mates higher than Jesus on magic mould, suddenly couldn't grow enuff of it
44. Me mates started a bidding war for the magic mould and I became an overnite Ebay millionaire, fucken ace!
45. Government made 'magic' mould illegal the very next day, protesters hit the streets with 'DON'T BREAK THE MOULD' signs
46. Cops busted me for proceeds of crime, took me money and let me go
47. Got stoned and went back to read pot board, read all about light spectrum and flowervegging
48. Planted 1639 seeds in wool, threw in some rocks, cos Big W don't have rockwool, figured its close enuff
49. Worked out the right light colour for vegflowering (a kinda reddish blue) and made up a piccie in my stolen copy of Fotoslop wot was the rite colour
50. Stole a half dozen real big computer monitors and connected them all to me computer, pointed me monitors at the plants
51. 18 sprouted, fucken ace!
52. Rocks I threw in the wool turned out to be limestones which musta pHucked the pH or something
53. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
54. Got stoned and tried to work out how to sell bags of stretchy, dead seedlings to pot virgins
55. Tried to sell a bag to a real noob, he reckoned I was tryin to stiff him so he busted my jaw
56. Real annoyed here in the hospital, I can get high but can't eat no corn chips with me jaw wired shut
57. Worked out how to eat corn chips thru a tube, lawyer man from Doritos calls up and offers to buy me out
58. Sold me corn-chips-thru-a-tube idea for millions, fucken ace!
59. Got sued by some wanker from Urinistan for patent infringement on his sugar-beet chips thru a tube invention, Howard's new free trade agreement let the bastard take everything but me bong
60. Found out where Howard was doin his morning walk, chucked me bong at him and yelled at the bastard a lot
61. In jail now, Ruddock sez I'm a terrierist doper, Andrews is tryin to deport me to me homeland but he can't work out wot country Wollongong's in
62. Got chucked out to Nauru til my immigration thing gets fixed by the suits
63. Bloody noice weather here in Nauru, local ganja is the bizness, learnin how to grow from these cool islander dudes workin as guards here at the detention camp, this week's lesson is about to how to sprout seeds right
64. That Rudd guy got elected and all of a sudden he shuts down the bloody Nauru camp, stopping me dope growin school
65. Just this week worked out how to feminise seeds with piss from a pregnant Nauruan tiger vole when they shut down the Spacific Solution and chucked me out to Christmas Island
66. Pissed orf, looked all over this damn island, can't find Santa anywhere, total ripoff
67. Tiger vole scratches finally healin up, they don't like bein messed with much when there pregnant
68. Some bright spark works out the Wollongong's in Australia so they sent this Oceanic Viking boat out to get me and take me back home
69. On the way home we caught up with these badarse Sea Shepard pirate dudes, so I jumped on there Steve Erwin boat, forced them to smoke Nauru Nitemare joints and demanded they hold me hostage
70. Capn Paul was sorry but he didn't need no hostages and could I please just piss orf cos he had shit to do and whales to shave
71. After that these mad stoned Sheperd dudes jumped on this Jap whale boat, totally messed with them and got taken hostage, works out they got the whole idea from me, fucken ace!
72. So I'm fineally back home, found out wile I was gone that some seeds I chucked out the back yard sprouted and grew bitchen plants
73. Plants flowered like mad cos I accidently spilled a bag of cow poo on the yard
74. While I was away, the plants dried natcherly and yielded POUNDAGE, fucken ace!
75. Too bad this all happened 2 weeks before I got home but by then the whole suburb was higher than Jesus after some dude named Cory in yellow sunnies threw a house party at my place while I was still lookin for Santa
76. Tryin to work out how plants grew so good without the minit-by-minit help of a w33d b4R0n like myself
77. Ran out of Nauru Nitemare, smoked up all the roaches Cory left around here now out of smoke again
78. Was usin this one pot forum where there sponsor was sellin this legal 'herbal cannabis' stuff
79. Couldn't find nuthn bad about legal herbs on this board so I figured I'd buy a couple pounds
80. Was like smokin pencil shavings and oregano but I got banned off the forum anyway when I told everyone about it
81. Had to get my money back out of the shit so I sold it to some noob
82. Noob smoked some of the pencil shavings and oregano and came back and punched me out for sellin him crap
83. I showed him the fancy magazine ad for these "ULTrA Hy-DRO BuDz," he still wuzint impressed
84. Back to square one, got to find a way to hide my grow from my mom, read on this pot forum about growing in a computer box
85. Stole a computer and some CFLs, put computer fanz in the thing and a carbon filter
86. Planted 1837 seeds, 4 came up, fucken ace!
87. All of em but one got stretchy, fell over and died
88. One of em kept on goin for 3 months, actcherly turning into bud!!
89. Got 10 WHOLE GRAMS of bumfluff and leaf after 4 months, fucken ace!
90. Smoked it in 20 minutes, gave me a headache, went lookin for more seeds
91. Found a buncha seeds cowering under the couch, I guess they seen wot happened to the others and were hopin I didn't find em
92. Decided to use good garden shop sense, planted 2012 seeds in Osmocote potting soil with a pound of Osmocote cos it never burns plants
93. 18 sprouts came up, fucken ace!
94. Plants are lookin like someone put em in a toaster, cant be the pound of Osmocote I put in the teaspoon of soil, it says its time released, dammit!
95. Decided I better wash the Osmocote out of the soil, took a week, but the teaspoon of soil I mixed with the pound of Osmocote is still stuck to the roots, sorta, I guess, they're all nice & brown
96. Tryin to work out how much light to give em, mebbe part of the day outside and part under some tanning bed lites I stole
97. Some smart guy on this cannabis forum told me my tanning lites was junk and to go read the GrowFAQ, I reckon he was just bein a jerk cos I've done this all before and I know better so I didn't listen
98. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
99. Mom just yelled at me for taken the innards out of her computer and wants to know why theirs pots of soil where her hard drive should be and by the way wot happened to all her god dam Osmocote
100. I got to mow the lawn for the next twelve years to pay mom back for the computer and all the missing Osmocote
101. Petrol can has a leak so I gotta push the mower to the servo to fill it up, on the way spotted a weed plant growing in some bushes a bit off the road
102. It looked lonely, like it needed the help of a w33d b4R0n like myself so I stole some birth control pills off my mom to make sure it gets feminised
103. Since it was off the road a bit and kinda private and I knew it wasn't gonna get pregnant, I decided to have a wank on the plant
104. Just when I got goin good this joker comes tearin out of the bushes yellin wot am I doin to his poor plant?!
105. I didnt know it was somebodys plant, I thot it had just kinda escaped and gone feral or something
106. Guy told me if I ever messed with his plant again he would make me into Osmocote
107. Went home and mowed the lawn and thort about Plan C
108. Got bored, went back to pot forum, no one would talk to me cos they said I don't no much about growin weed
109. Made a new account name to make me sound more impotent... no thats not rite I mean IMPORTANT not impotent
110. I'll show em all by posting that I can clone a leaf, which I cant but it sure sounds impressive
111. When the jerks tell me it cant be done and to post my proof I tell them they are all stupid fucken idiots and a lot more dum than me, heheh THAT will show em that I am a w33d b4R0n and they are NOT
112. My stradegy worked, now no one questions my l33t sk1llz no more, in fact they dont talk to me at all
113. Got tired of no one paying attention so I made a sokpuppet account to agree with myself
114. No one wuz fooled, god dam shit sonofabitch, pissin me off
115. Got stoned and tried to clone sum stolen leafs under pure UV light
116. Leafs wilted, fell over and died so I busted some fly w33d b4R0n moves on its ass and called it nasty names like sayin its mum was a god dam begonia
117. Got caught going back to steal more leafs by the guy who saw me having a bat on his plant, back in hospital again, feeling about like a bag of Osmocote
118. Having me jaw wired up getting pretty old, wonder if there should be a Plan D
119. Out of the horspital now, went back to the pot bored to see if ne1 missed me, they did, they sed it had been nice and quiet without me
120. So I desided it wuz as good a time as eny to argue wif the stoners, told em I had a perpetual motion masheen wot gives me free energy from fermented dog poo for my 5000 whatt gro lite
121. Thoze smart guys just told me I am an idiot like usual but I dont care, its fun to get ther gotes so I told em to blow on my brass ballz
122. Out of weed agin, cant get the brass ball blowers to give me none, wonder why
123. Bored, decided to go bowling, found a couple pounds of seeds I hid in the boling ball bag mebbe 5 years ago and fergot about, they looked happey to see me but mabey they were just nervus
124. Planted 2256 seeds in pure bat shit, my 2000 LEDs and the 5000 what security lite I found on that footy stadium waznt workin out so I thot those CLF lites wood be the next big thang, at least thats wot I toled everywun on the pot bored
125. Got 172 CLF lites goin in a shoe box, nuthins sprouted after a munth so I gave em some mole asses
126. Moles union got wind of it, now there out front picketing my place for mole abuse
127. I promised em I wood switch to pancake suryp instead of mole asses, so they quit protestin and smoked a joint of there mole buds with me, witch tasted a lot like mole asses, raisin my suspishins that there just keepin the truth frum me
128. 9 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
129. Figured they wasn't getting enuff c02 so I chucked a couple pounds of dry ice in the shoebox with the FCLs witch is now smoking cool as fuck with all the fog and stuff, liek sumfing out uv a hore movey
130. Came back later and the seedlings looked all frosty like they was freez dryed or something
131. Obveusley they needed moar c02 so I pored in sum brewer yeest and waited a wile
132. Started smellin like a brewry in there witch made me kinda thirsty so I pored a nice frosty mug of the goo drippin out of the shoebox, tasted a bit like beer but the bat shit made it a bit too tangy
133. Seedlings got stretchy, fell over and died
134. I reckin that them fancy LCFs were to blame so I wint out and stole 40 moar of them
135. Gettin hard to fit in moar than 200 FLCs in me shoebox, gotta upsize to the big leauge, so I stole me a breadbox
136. bonus! still had bred in it, good thing cos I was starvin, so I made a sammich
137. Worried that the coppers will think I'm a comershal w33d b4R0n with me huuuuuge new grobox, painted it white to make it look smaller, cos evrywun noes all the really big ones are black
138. Got 211 CFCs in me bredbox, dam its brite in their, pirty hot too, should make the ladies get fat as a trailer park blojob queen in nuthin flat
139. Planted 2467 seeds in 50% dogshit, 50% catshit and 50% fishshit
140. Toled evrywun on the pot bored about my new hi-output bredbox, stoopid moarons on pot bored think it will neva work and that I am real bad at math
141. I got my sokpupit to tell me I wuz doin grate things to advans the art of growing doap so then I felt a little better
142. 6 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
143. 4 of them looked around & sed holeeeeee fuck and ducked rite back in there shells, little chickenshits, I sed
144. The other 2 got stretchy, fell over and died
145. Bredbox was still pritty hot so I stole sum of my lil sisters E-Z Bake oven stuff and made cupcakes
146. Cupcakes was OK sept for they smelt a little like catdogfishshit
147. Not sher wear to go next but its 4:20 and I gotta go think about it fer a wile
148. Watchin late night teev wile stoned to beat jesus, saw ad for this Arogarbage plant grower thing
149. Looks like the bizniss for a budding w33d b4R0n, only 300 bux, gonna get poundage this time
150. Stole 300 kilos of beer cans and hedded fore the resycling place on my sk8bored, got $300 fore em
151. Sent orf fore one of them Arogarbages, gave my bag o seeds a heds up, the next big thing in growen dope is on the way
152. Arogarbage wus delivered today, fucken ace!
153. Planted 2672 seeds, 12 sprouted, fucken ace again!
154. Put the seedlings in the Arogarbage and watched em grow, made sher to blow pot smoke at them all the time to make them happi
155. Plants are gettin tall but real spindly wunder wot thats about, there gonna hit the lite soon
156. Axed sum smart guy bout my plants, he axed me wot the air temp and ppm and Ph was, all sounds real complix
157. Not gonna buy no fancy shit like a thermometer, ppm or PH meter so I put my finger in the air and stuck me wedding tackle in the rez and figgered it wuz OK
158. Follered instrutchins, real boring for a w33d b4R0n liek me who ot to be writing the dam instrutchins
159. Switched em to flowering and watched the budz pop up
160. 4 months go bye, reddy to harvest my POUNDAGE!!
161. Trimmed up all me buds & dryed them, got 10 grams of bud, wait, that's not POUNDAGE
162. Got out my calculater and werked out that 10 grams for 300 bux is 852 bux an ounze, mor then twice wot I pay to Dealer McDope
163. Smoked me 10 grams in an hour, reckon I need alot moar Arogarbage macheens
164. Workin out how to steal 75 moar Arogarbages wile Im good and baked

:D