KiLo, I do not know you, but those feelings and words are not unfamiliar in my life. Different circumstances.
Right now I would say you are in survival mode,or still in a great deal of pain due to the recent events.
You may or may not need help to get over this, if your State is like mine, you will get the help you need.
I vowed that I will help anyone after what I went thru, because that sense ,feeling of loss at such a trumatic level exhausts our ability at times to see our selfworth.
Right now you need support, you need your basic needs met, please do not neglect those things.
My house is open to all that that need saftey, food, warmth, a to rebuild a life. It is the only way I can " pay it forward"