The person I know/knew whose profile squiggly fits is now doing his post-grad work on comprising a data set using coral heads to help figure out if climate change is anthropogenically-created or not. Extremely intelligent, driven, high demand course-work, and a thinker. It all adds up to anxiety. He found that toking made things MUCH much worse, too, and found some relief with kavakava, but found better relief through therapy and some Rx Tx. The anxiety was stopping his life cold.

squiggly /// i went through a period where cannabis didn't work for me when i was about your age. You , like me, probably started early and went hard and heavy for 10 to 15 years and then, all of a sudden, it's just not beneficial to you. Bet it's not uncommon. Glad you're listening to your body and trying to get help.
cigs are nasty shit, specially more than a pack a day.:eek:
i put them down in feb. 93 and haven't had one since. no relapse here, gift from god...

Texas Kid said:

Maybe more sex....lol

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Definitely not the problem, lol.

Mogrow said:

squiggly /// i went through a period where cannabis didn't work for me when i was about your age. You , like me, probably started early and went hard and heavy for 10 to 15 years and then, all of a sudden, it's just not beneficial to you. Bet it's not uncommon.

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You're right. I've looked around the internet and there are thousands of people who have gone through this.

Big time heavy smokers 10-15 years all day every day and then BAM anxiety attacks from pot.

Some of them took a break and were able to come back.

Others had to give it up for good.

Still others ended up with panic disorders 3, 5, 10 years down the line that they never shook.


I have made the decision to not try to smoke until my next harvest comes down and is cured. I'm still in mid-veg right now so that will be a hefty break (the longest I've ever taken since starting to smoke).

If I still wig then, it will probably be a few years before I do the damn thing again--sad to say but my sanity is better than weed.

I need to find something else to fill the empty spaces of my life with.

It just sucks because all 5 of my roomies are giant pot heads, including my gf. So it's just me sitting around all day being uber jealous of them. Lol.

A lot of the shit that I liked to do with my free time now makes me lose it:

1. smoke cigs
2. weed
3. play videogames
4. read
5. Movies
6. even this forum--I can't spend a lot of time here now.

I hope that I'm able to channel some of my energy into studying very hard and that doing so won't make me freak out. If I can't study my life is going to come to a screeching halt quick fast and in a hurry.

I'm trying SO HARD to get my act together and my breathing controlled and my heart rate down before I have to go back to school next week.

I've been exercising and trying to find other things to do with my time, but it seems like even the most basic of things can set me off now.

Really I'm just trying to wait it out, and hope that it dissipates over time. I know THC accumulates in the brain--and if that's a trigger for me now, I might have a long 2-3 weeks ahead of me here.

If that ends up being the ticket though then I think I'll be okay.

The only REAL fear I have is that this is just who I am now. A panicky anxious dude.

That I don't think I can handle. I know it will sound alarming to a lot of people but if I had to be this way forever I think it would end up with me taking my own life. It's not something I can deal with. I don't think it'd be something my girl would be able to deal with either--despite her grandest assurances that she'll never leave me.

I know what the reality of this is--being with someone who is mentally ill is very difficult and I wouldn't wish that on her. She deserves way better (and until recently I've been perfectly capable of giving her that).

If I were to lose her that'd be the nail in the coffin--but I have every confidence in myself for the moment that it won't go that far. I'm not allowing myself to think that far down the line and get anxious about it (which for me is a step in the right direction, being able to think about this without losing it).

chickenman said:

I think this kid has way too much on his plate. He gets all fired up, and where does that get anybody.
Keep it simple, take it easy. He has many years still to go why live life all at once by thinking too much.
Sure there's lots to worry about, but again take it one day at a time, observe the beauty that can
be found everywhere if you know know where to look. All I got to do is walk outside my back door to find happiness...it's there, just chill out, relax your mind, the body will follow....

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Thanks chicken. Believe me I'm trying.

I think the thing that's really fucking me the most is that all of the things I previously filled my life with are now triggers for anxiety. Right down to drinking shitloads of soda all day. I can't even eat how I used to. It's all upside-down now. I basically have to reinvent myself and go find the new things that will make me happy.

I'm scared that the people in my life won't appreciate "the new me" but I don't really have a choice now do I?

Doesn't shit loads of soda = shit loads of caffeine? That would cause me anxiety to the max, maybe start getting lots of water into your system, you never know, sometimes the simplest of fixes are the best.

Quit meth,quit heroin .Cant quit cigarettes for the life of me.

I forgot..that was my problem...lol

Note to self...more sex

sometimes when life just gets too much for me i'll disconnect from the world. Go on a hike, or a white water rafting trip or hit the slopes and put in a day of snowboarding. Even just hit the gym first thing in the morning to get my mind and body relaxed.

p.s. thanks for reminding me tex more sex! lol

GI JO said:

Doesn't shit loads of soda = shit loads of caffeine? That would cause me anxiety to the max, maybe start getting lots of water into your system, you never know, sometimes the simplest of fixes are the best.

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Already been doing this.


I have been doing some personal research and think that a B12 deficiency might be to blame. There is a lot of evidence for it in the symptoms I'm suffering (as well as other symptoms not described here).

From a personal perspective it makes a huge amount of sense--but I'm going to try to get in for some blood work tomorrow to confirm. Would be a huge weight off my shoulders if this ended up being the case.

Cut out white carbs, take b12, magnesium, folic acid, fish oil, and a good muti vitamin. This all helped me a lot and was recommended by my psychiatrist at the time. He was really into treating things without Rx's and only used them as a last resort.

Squiggly check out my thread on supplementation.
I guarantee these will heal and nurture better than any other synthetic supplementation.
If you can also get off that soda, you will in time be amazed how much better you will feel.
raw milk is my addiction, goatweiser the other white beer.
Everybody I have recommended these supplements to has had very good results.
Those B s are just what you need...

chickenman said:

Squiggly check out my thread on

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I did just now--but B12 is sourced primarily from animals. Not really any significant amounts of it in veggies.

If I came and ate all of your eggs and chickens that'd be a different story :)

squiggly said:

If I were to lose her that'd be the nail in the coffin

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No it wouldn't.

You can't ever ever ever think like that. If God forbid it ever does happen you have already set yourself up for disaster with self talk like this.

You are currently stressing yourself the fuck out. Life will always go on and good and bad things will always happen. It's inevitable. I think with your friend passing you are in a bad spot. A little anxiety. Pressure from all angles.. It all adds up.

You will be fine. No matter what. Stay up my friend! Lean on whoever you need to but stay positive.

Capulator said:

No it wouldn't.

You can't ever ever ever think like that. If God forbid it ever does happen you have already set yourself up for disaster with self talk like this.

You are currently stressing yourself the fuck out. Life will always go on and good and bad things will always happen. It's inevitable. I think with your friend passing you are in a bad spot. A little anxiety. Pressure from all angles.. It all adds up.

You will be fine. No matter what. Stay up my friend! Lean on whoever you need to but stay positive.

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Thanks dude. Appreciate that.


I know people must say shit like this all the time, but the reality is that this girl is my mfin' soul-mate.

That out of me, your friendly neighborhood atheist.

She's basically like me without a dick and waaaaaaay better looking. I don't think there's a chance in hell she'd leave me--but if she did I'd be in such a motherfuckin' pickle. What I said was half-true. I wouldn't like immediately jump off a building, but I don't think I'd really end up happy without her in my life.

Its just one of those things dude--I found a really great one. Stumbled over her even, to my great benefit (and hers, too).

Either way, you're right. I'm going in for another appt today, will update ya'll later.

Squggly /// suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem /// what u are going through will pass brother and you'll be a better, more complete person after you come out on the other side.

Mogrow said:

Squggly /// suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem /// what u are going through will pass brother and you'll be a better, more complete person after you come out on the other side.

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Thanks dude. I appreciate it.

Just to put everyone's mind at rest--I am not currently nor have I ever had suicidal thoughts.

I was merely thinking waaaay too far ahead to a time where I wouldn't be able to handle this.

I would liken what I'm going through to "water torture". It's just a constant presence and it's very pervasive, so I can see to a time in the future where I might not be able to handle it. I am sure depression would precede any suicidal thoughts--and believe me that I would get help if I needed to (I grew up with a severely bi-polar father who tended to the severely depressive side-- and have stopped too many suicide attempts to ever really go through with one myself; knowing how they would affect my family and those people who are very special to me).




On a lighter note:

Seriously thanks guys, there has been such an outpouring of support here and I didn't realize how much I needed it till it started to roll in. The farm has really come through for me in what has been a very tough time.

You guys have gotten me through the past few days and each of you should be proud of that.

Thanks.

squiggly said:

Thanks dude. Appreciate that.


I know people must say shit like this all the time, but the reality is that this girl is my mfin' soul-mate.

That out of me, your friendly neighborhood atheist.

She's basically like me without a dick and waaaaaaay better looking. I don't think there's a chance in hell she'd leave me--but if she did I'd be in such a motherfuckin' pickle. What I said was half-true. I wouldn't like immediately jump off a building, but I don't think I'd really end up happy without her in my life.

Its just one of those things dude--I found a really great one. Stumbled over her even, to my great benefit (and hers, too).

Either way, you're right. I'm going in for another appt today, will update ya'll later.

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I know exactly what you mean as I have one of those too. However, my point still stands.

Lookin forward to the update.

Capulator said:

I know exactly what you mean as I have one of those too. However, my point still stands.

Lookin forward to the update.

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Oh for sure.

Got some bloodwork in today so I'll have an update Tuesday.

It might sound weird but there is a possibility that this whole thing stems from a vitamin B12 deficiency--the doc agreed with me when I brought this up and she ordered the labs.

Also checking my other blood counts, thyroid, etc.

Anxiously awaiting my bloodwork results on Tuesday--but I've got to say I am all but convinced I'm dealing with a B12 deficiency.

I am SO GLAD that I convinced my physician to order the necessary blood work to confirm that. Initially she didn't agree but I lied to her and said my brother had experienced a deficiency and she said okay.

Here are a list of symptoms associated with B12 deficiency that I am DEFINITELY experiencing, along with several which I can't be sure on but I think I am. I am compiling this list in case anyone else might have experienced these symptoms and be at a loss for what is causing them. I am TOTALLY miserable right now and basically keeping myself high on Ativan so that I don't run to the ER.

Symptoms:

1. "White moons" on fingernails are GONE. The ones on thumbs (which are last to go usually) are nearly gone as well. I have also developed the "ridges" which are expected with this deficiency.

2. Blurred Vision (last 2 months)

3. Insomnia (last 2 years)

4. "Brain Fog" -- I smoke a lot of weed but I've always been known for having a stellar memory. In fact, many folks think I'm smart. I'm really not I just remember everything. Recently I can't remember why I stood up. Even worse than walking into a room and forgetting why you went I mean literally standing up, and then forgetting why I did it. Instantaneous forgetting.

5. Joint pains

6. Hair Loss-- I am experiencing some normal male pattern balding (as should be expected from my family history) but I've also been losing hair from the back and sides of my head which is abnormal, and I've lost hair from these areas faster than my "widows peaks".

7. Twiching of eyes and extremities.

8. Balance issues.

9. Gait issues (close my eyes and turn around, I lose my footing--I am a lifelong athlete and have been far from a klutz for most of my life, not so anymore).
10. Weight loss. This is alarming me, I didn't know until I hit the doctor the other day but I am currently 122 pounds!!!!! I have been 135-140lbs EVERY DAY that I can remember from freshman year of high school until this most recent doctor visit. Seeing the scale there was a holy shit moment for me.

11. Loss of appetite

12. Heartburn/GERD (I've had this for years and it may actually be the cause of the deficiency).

13. Morning nausea (I usually can't eat until later in the day).

14. Odd bowel movements (constipation/diarrhea)--I have considered seeking a diagnosis for IBS in recent months as these symptoms have become more severe. I am hoping the b12 is the issue.

15. Tinnitus-- I hadn't noticed till recently, but once I did I simply attributed it to my years of firing guns without ear protection. It's my understanding b12 def can also cause this.

16. Nail biting. In the last year I have begun eating my nails with a fury uncontrollably. I couldn't explain why and I couldn't stop. Even the nasty tasting shit you put on your nails DID NOT STOP ME. I ate right through it--to the quick. My fingers hurt constantly as a result of this. I even have gone to biting the tips of my fingers off.

17. Extremely slow wound healing.

18. Extreme fatigue in arms and legs.

19. tingling sensation in extremities.

and most recently

20. Generalized Anxiety

Unsure:

1. Heart palpitations

2. Costochondritis

3. Extreme muscle pain in back/chest/shoulder/neck--though I think this might be a result of my poor posture and some shit going on in my thoracic spine.




End of the day, this shit ALL fits in with a b12 deficiency. Hoping I get in there Tuesday and find out this is the case, as the cure would be extremely simple (knock on wood).

Until then I have to be miserable, swear off MJ, and eat pills to make it through the day.

If this all works out four good things will come of it:

1. I will correct my posture.

2. I will exercise more, not taking my skinniness and generally good physical health for granted.

3. I will eat healthy.

4. I have beaten my addiction to caffeine and to cigarettes[ which amounted to a 30 "pack-year" addiction. A disgusting number for a person my age (mid-to-late twenties)].

If you think it's a B12-, why not just start supplementing? I mean, this is reminding me quite a lot of our granddaughter and her gluten intolerance. It was looking like it could very well be Celiac, and you want to know what the Tx is for Celiac? Removing gluten from the diet. So, irrespective of a proper Dx, the Tx would be exactly the same so that's what we did and she improved DRASTICALLY.