We're angry because we can't communicate
The above- guess battery died. She's formed a rhythm. Currently, bout 100mg, every 1-3 hrs. I have no problem with this. It has her regulated, now.
She had questions.
The answer were variable.
She'll b a slave to them, for the time being. Methadone takes weeks to ebb.
Opioids make my life difficult. For now... she has no choice. When the time comes, I'll listen to her body.
I'll learn, as each day passes, how pissed her system will be. Come 3 days from now... we'll have been to the er, or I'll b stabbed, though she did kinda bury the butcher block, in a new place; thankfully, less accessible.
If we haven't been to the er, in this time... she'll b on her way, to opioid freedom, and either I'll have my teeth in the door, or her body will have decided, for us. Her heart through cold turkey... I'm not qualified, but her body will speak louder, than her words; going into the 28th.
I can't buy out my car... she's been anti er, in stroke territory, the entire time... now that we found a rhythm... my concerns as to withdrawal may already b addressed.
I note- her vitals are this far, married to her pain level, attitude and my ability to balance her.
A triangle to the pyramid top. Pain goes up... vitals rise to stroke zone... her idea of a pain 7 and then she goes Cherokee.
I say something stupid, roll my eyes... she gets shitty in return... vitals rise... pain rises and the chems in the brain r doin exact same thing....
Drug dissipates... vitals rise, pain rises and she can get nasty; understandably.
I have to comprehend, what I was mildly taught...
Stimulus to the brain causes electrical and chemical reactions we decipher individually. Like pot effects everyone differently... so physical pain to her... is married to her vitals and attitude and however she's built... her brain seems to equate mental and physical pain, similarly... because that's what her tea leaves r telling me. I'm thinking to dope up, right along with her, tomorrow... if... IF it can b assumed my body, works similarly... if I remain balanced... in the same way... I am connected to her, like it, or not... if I go native .. she will, too and I wreck all her hard work. And mine, too; consequently.
I suspect, it's y psychs aren't allowed to treat family n friends. We lose objectively n fuck it up.
So... I will try to do better. She's quiet n easy, when I stay in guest room. I have no problem with this.
She invited me in... I'm doing better, keeping the separation. My mouth takes liberties it should not.
Terms of endearment, being a misstep, for me. Currently, she's not mine... and it's inappropriate for our current relationship and this project; I can feel it to my core.
As to the marriage of behavior and chemistry of the brain. No doubt I have poor vocabulary, to this end.
So if my neighbor hears me yell... she gets shitty... and remains so. Holding a grudge... as she mentioned... she'd said bill thought I hated him. Nope... couldn't watch em go. Turns out, he died... apparently, hating me, for overhearing me yell, out of context. If chief's calm... am I yelling... no...
And when I asked her to check on possibly overdosed ginger... she couldn't... like bearings in a piston... not communicating well... we bounce off each other, with injury measured by the body, the same way... building heat, pressure... friction... and the effects seem similar: we all interpret it as pain... stress goes up ... vitals go up and we all go full Cherokee: pingponging off each other and away, again... like a predictable gain reaction... continuing on our paths away from each other.... like magnetic forces. Intriguing concept... for now... I'll focus on ginger n try not to go full Cherokee on her.
I see this pattern... whatever I want to say... is hurtful to my cause... no matter how I explain... what I need to say... is working out... the explanations for what I want to say... lead to more bullshit and when I can say fuck it n walk away from what I want to say... she remains cool as a cucumber... try to remember to exploit this, as needed.
Try to apply it within... see if I don't do better.
Swear I can typically control my emotions; just not no much, around g.
I need to recenter.... regardless of g... n try to remain focused.
I had to quantify my neighbor for myself... I recall documenting how badly she treated him, when he lost his mind... she never left his side.
I'm opioid fucked up... working on it... g's opioid fucked up... we're in pain... we live in the same box/piston chamber... ping ponging around; dictating the level of friction.
Bill pissed n shit around the house and on penny... his mind was broken... penny reacted and also... behaved differently; although u could tell... this pattern of mental abuse, went on for years... to a lesser degree and was exacerbated, by each others pain levels... based on a relationship, to each other... like gravity... magnetic forces and chain reactions... if we can't let go... it slingshots back... causing craters and acceleration; ricocheting out into the universe; like a comet, asteroid, etc.
Lost my focus
She's chill, quiet and 120/80/70s... within a point, or two.
Ummm... I believe it was my point... I was in pain, imbalanced and an asshole, when they heard me... with opioids damage and my own influences.
I comprehend some... a modicum... of this concept. Just see patterns, sometimes. I have to quantify it for myself, however I can and move on.
